This post is not exclusively about our South American adventures, but Facebook took it upon itself to remind me of a picture from 10 years ago and I’ve been inspired to write this…
I was in my first term at Uni, finishing off a paper in the Library for my degree in Psychology – my face should give you an idea of how I was doing.
For a lot of my life, achievement has been the primary focus and goal. It was instilled in me the second I started school – “Caring, Sharing and Achievement” was my infant school motto.
I went on to an ‘underachieving’ primary school and when they realised I was a bit smart the pressure was on to pass my 11+ and get into a grammar school. I did, and by the time I was 14, panic disorder was well and truly setting up camp.
There are many other things that have contributed to the mental health issues in my life… from genetics to the general human condition and our finite existence…but I do believe that my experience of education really did not help.
Pressure from the school and consequently myself meant I worked really hard and suffered the consequences – stress, anxiety and a sprinkling of depression. Working too hard at the expense of my health has followed me in different forms right up until this year when I actually realised it; from academic achievements, to the desire to excel (by means of overextending) at work.
This realisation led me to finally make some meaningful changes to my outlook and the shape of my daily life. For the first time I stuck with a therapist and got very comfortable with telling people when I’m not ok.
This honesty has given me clarity.
Throughout the different phases of our lives, regardless of age and what is expected of us, perhaps we should look beyond achievement and milestones. Perhaps instead we should turn to whether we are truly fulfilled, remembering that what fulfils us can change and that we have the power to do something about it.
Today, I write this post as I look out from our hostel into the mountains surrounding Jardín, an Andean town south of Medellín.
I’m exactly where I want to be, experiencing a level of freedom I have craved since I graduated in 2013. I feel like a different person to the 19 year old in that picture. She was a raging insomniac, who panicked about panic attacks and would rather be asleep than endure the pain of being awake. She is a shadow of me, who didn’t think beyond achieving and had no idea just how fulfilled she would come to be a decade later.
We have just arrived to this colourful, colonial town after an adventure filled four days in Guatapé where we kayaked, rode horses, climbed a massive 2,135m rock and hired a boat for a life affirming two hours on a lake listening to our favourite music and scoffing sandwiches, crisps and beer.
We don’t have a plan for our stay in Jardín and I love it – a stark contrast to my need for organisation and forecast back at home. Here, the stresses of modern life have significantly reduced; work is on ‘hold’, there are no bills to pay and we are able to live in the moment. It’s a profoundly brilliant and strange feeling, but one that can’t last forever because, well… Modern Capitalism that I willingly participate in.
At the very least I hope I can bring the perspective it continues to give me back to my amazing life in London and beyond that awaits me.
Jammy 